Hello!

My name is Glorken, and I’m The Urban Spaceman’s best and only friend! TUS has fallen a little behind on scientific reports to the Homeworld, and has asked me to step in to help out by reviewing stuff that is super important to you Earth-things.

Before we get to the good stuff, you probably want to know about my species, right? Specifically, you’re looking at me and thinking, “Hey, that guy has no fingers. How does he count?” Right?

Super important stuff you need to know about me…

My species comes from a planet called Mat-el, on one of the outer edges of a distant spiral arm of his galaxy we all call home. Sadly, our planet was destroyed in 2010 (your time) by spontaneous planetary combustion. Don’t worry, that won’t happen to your planet; Earth is super-small, well beneath the critical mass required to spontaneously combust.

The Urban Spaceman found me clinging to a piece of rocky flotsam drifting through space, and picked me up for study. Since then, I’ve been travelling with TUS whilst looking for other survivors from my planet’s destruction. When TUS came to study you Earth-things, naturally, I came along. Your planet is full of delicious things, so there could be survivors from Mat-el here. If you see any, let me know!

Here are three super important facts you need to know about my species:

1. We cannot lie. We’re actually incapable of it. That’s how you know I’ll always tell you the truth. It’s also why TUS allows me to make scientific reports to the Spaceman Homeworld even though I have zero scientific experience and no fingers.
2. You may have noticed I have three eyes, and this is fairly unusual on your planet (though spiders have 8-12 eyes, and giraffes have four). This extra eye developed as a result of EVOLUTION (which is super real, Earth-things) and allows us to see in an extra dimension. Which dimension? I dunno, but it looks kinda purple. TUS says it’s the Nth dimension, but that could be complete baloney.
3. At ~7-8cm tall, we are one of the shortest sentient species in this galaxy. TUS claims that every species in the Andromeda VI galaxy is smaller than me, but then, it’s a dwarf spheroid galaxy, so that makes sense.

Now that you know all about me, let’s move on to my very first scientific report to Spaceman’s Homeworld! Today I’m going to review…

Malt loaf

Malt loaf first came to my attention in the supermarket, where I was looking for an alternative form of fuel for Spaceman’s spaceship. Currently, the spaceship is powered by dark matter which, as you know, is crapped out excreted by space bugs extra dimensional locusts that emerge from subspace to gorge on mineral-rich asteroid fields before returning to subspace to complete the breeding cycle. Dark matter is super expensive, and Spaceman is not a very conservative pilot.

The malt loaf packaging looked promising:

Squidgy Power!

At you can see from the following image, malt loaf is made out of malt and loaf, and judging by its colour, approximately 3% dark matter. But will it make a suitable alternative spaceship fuel? There is only one way to find out! I’ll have to eat some myself and see if I am capable of space flight afterwards.

49% malt, 48% loaf, 3% dark matter

Malt loaf comes in many flavours, so I bought one of each for experimentation purposes. The only flavour I did not buy was chocolate, as this seemed to violate the laws of nature.

The many flavours of malt loaf: Fruity Five, Banana, Apple & Sultana, Original

After much SCIENCE, I discovered this is how you eat malt loaf. The coffee is super important because malt loaf is very chewy and it sticks to your teeth.

Butter, coffee, malt loaf, me

Here you can see I am very much enjoying the malt loaf, but I haven’t yet achieved orbital capabilities.

Tastes so good, even the cat wants some!

These other things are potato cakes. They don’t make very good rocket fuel.

My tummy may be small, but it is mighty

In Conclusion

Malt loaf, whilst definitely full of squidgy power, makes a poor substitute for pure dark matter. However, malt loaf remains so SUPER IMPORTANT to Earth-things, that one of their most famous singers named himself after this delicious, squidgy source of fuel.

The singer, Malt Loaf

Source under this CC by 2.0 license

I am now ready to transmit this report back to the Homeworld, and hope Spaceman’s people will find this information interesting and informative.

File edited by The Urban Spaceman, with the following note: Please forgive Glorken’s crass use of language. His people are not linguistically sophisticated.