High Commander,

Since my previous communicaé I have taken the opportunity to study several human subjects at considerable length, and am pleased to make the following report.

Human beings are a species of hairless ape, referred to by themselves as homo sapiens sapiens. A mammalian species, they reproduce by the method of sexual reproduction, an activity which appears to take up an inordinately large portion of their time and their thoughts.

The humans are, as a species, incredibly frail. The things which can kill them include, but are not limited to:

• Large animals
• Medium-sized animals
• Small animals
• Plants
• Microscopic organisms
• Their modes of transportation
• Large things falling on them
• Small things falling on them
• Falling over
• Gravity
• Too much heat
• Not enough heat
• Too much water
• Not enough water
• Too much food
• Not enough food
• Sharp things
• Pointy things
• Blunt things
• Weather
• Chemicals
• Their own planet
• Their own bodies
• Themselves
• Each other

To the casual observer it would seem that life itself is opposed to the existence of the human species, so it is remarkable that they are so numerous on their planet. Not only are they easily killed, they also possess the curious habit of making excuses for death. These excuses are many and varied, but some common ones are:

• An act of a supreme creator-being they call “God”
• An act of an evil being they call “The Devil”
• Their upbringing
• Their genetics
• Video games
• Music
• Society
• Poor judgement
• Incompetence
• Intoxication or addiction
• Karma
• Misfortune
• Fate
• Serendipity
• Mental illness
• and, my favourite: “That’s Life”

I have attached a data packet of information pertaining to human biology which I am certain the Supreme Head of SCOLIS will find useful. Unfortunately, I have reached the limits of what can be learnt about human biology with the technology currently available to me. The only way to learn more about these creatures would be to extract several of them for detailed probing, which, as I’m sure you are aware, is forbidden by the current Coalition for Intergalactic Peace, Prosperity and Trade (CIPPT).

I would be grateful if you could direct the topic of my next communication.

End report.

-Mr Urban Spaceman