The Urban Spaceman answers fan mail
Since I get a lot of emails from human beings curious about my mission here, and about the rest of the universe in general, I thought I would take a moment to answer some of these emails publically, in the hopes of quenching the thirst of curiosity. Much as I would love to answer all of my emails personally, my schedule affords me very little spare time to interact with humans in a less ‘official’ capacity.
So, straight to business!
Scott, from Massachusetts, writes:
Dear Mr Urban Spaceman,
What exactly *is* your mission here? Who are your people, and why are you so interested in our planet? Were you ever in Roswell? Was that even real? I’d love to learn more about you, as long as it isn’t against your rules or whatever.
Those are some good questions, Scott. As you’ve been following my blog for some time, you’ve probably gleaned by now that I’m here to study the Earth and its inhabitants, to perform various non-invasive experiments, and to relay the results of those experiments (along with my general observations) back to my High Commander, who invariably decides which bits are important enough to pass along to SCOLIS (the Science Committee for the Observation of Less Intelligent Species).
Information about my people is strictly classified, so I’m afraid that question will have to go unanswered for now, but our interest in your planet is both scientific and anthropological. I suppose you could say we share the human trait of innate curiosity. Predominantly, we’re interested in the extreme diversity of your planet, including the diversity amongst humans themselves. As a species, you are remarkably divisive. Since my own people achieved a state of Perfect Unity millennia ago, we like to investivate species like yours as a means of studying how we used to be.
Roswell? No. But I think I know the guys who were. This is the first time my people have visited your planet, and I’ve only been here since early 2013. Hope this puts your mind at ease!
P.S., thank your deity for spell-checkers, or I never would have been able to spell Massachusetts.
~Cecile, from Marseilles, asks:
bonjour, Mr Spaceman. What is it like on your spaceship? How do you stay in orbit without being seen? Is it a cloaking device?
À bientôt! ~Cecile (Marseilles)
Yes, my ship possesses a cloaking device, but not a cloaking device as you might understand it. Instead of bending light around my ship, the cloak instead pushes it slightly out of phase with normal space-time. This allows me to maintain my position in orbit without being detected by your inferior technology.
As for what it is like… it’s hard to describe. It would be easier to show you, but of course, bringing conscious sentient beings aboard my ship is, as they would say in your country, le faux pas.
Lucky for you I have a camera!
The first thing you need to understand is that our spaceships are organic, and the organic cells of our ships respond to different forms of radiation in different ways. This is very useful, for reasons which are too complicated and secret for me to go into right now. Here are a couple of pictures of the walls of my spaceship. We use light to transmit data, hence the different colours.
I recently purchased one of your “soundbar” entertainment enhancers, for the cockpit of my ship. I was quite concerned that I wouldn’t be able to interface it with my ship’s media interface, but I must say, it’s working quite well. If you hear thunder tonight, don’t worry; it’s not a storm, it’s just me playing Deep Purple at ridiculously loud volumes. Sorry, plz don’t call space-police on me.
King, from Jamaica, ponders:
Hello Urban Spaceman!
Just wondering, if you’re not allowed to probe humans, how do you study us?
Your biggest fan,
Jamaica (feel free to visit!)
King, first of all, your name rocks. It really does. Second, I would love to visit you. I’ll make Jamaica my next stop!
Second, the answer to your question is probably classified, but I don’t think knowing will cause any harm. So! Simply put, I use covert monitoring devices to observe humans in their natural (or man-made) environments, and these devices send the data back to my ship via a phase-inverted transmitter. That basically means I can receive data even though my ship is cloaked, because the inverter compensates for the phase shift.
I sense another question being emailed, so I’ll answer it now. What do covert monitoring devices look like? Anything. Literally. Here are a couple of prototypes that I kept hold of ‘cos I liked them too much to put them on your dangerously explosive planet.
This mysterious cat statue is a monitoring device:
This raki bottle is a monitoring device (the raki inside it, however, is not):
I’ve even been able to create monitoring devices in the form of primitive animals, such as cats, dogs and birds. Thousands of these devices are scattered across the Earth, sending back terabytes of data each minute.
I love my job.
Kate, from ???, writes:
Hey, US! WHERE ARE YOU RIGHT NOW?!
Hey, KATE! I AM OVER YOUR HOUSE.
Haha, just kidding. I’m currently geosynchronous orbit over the Irish Sea. Going this way, that way, forwards and backwards. I suspect I’ll be in Jamaica by the time you’ve adjusted your telescope, though.
I hope this has been illuminating and informative (but not TOO informative). And thanks to all those who have expressed an interest in my work!
Until next time…