The Urban Spaceman answers fan mail
Since I get a lot of emails from human beings curious about my mission here, and about the rest of the universe in general, I thought I would take a moment to answer some of these emails publically, in the hopes of quenching the thirst of curiosity. Much as I would love to answer all of my emails personally, my schedule affords me very little spare time to interact with humans in a less ‘official’ capacity.
So, straight to business!
Scott, from Massachusetts, writes:
Dear Mr Urban Spaceman,
What exactly *is* your mission here? Who are your people, and why are you so interested in our planet? Were you ever in Roswell? Was that even real? I’d love to learn more about you, as long as it isn’t against your rules or whatever.
Those are some good questions, Scott. As you’ve been following my blog for some time, you’ve probably gleaned by now that I’m here to study the Earth and its inhabitants, to perform various non-invasive experiments, and to relay the results of those experiments (along with my general observations) back to my High Commander, who invariably decides which bits are important enough to pass along to SCOLIS (the Science Committee for the Observation of Less Intelligent Species).
Information about my people is strictly classified, so I’m afraid that question will have to go unanswered for now, but our interest in your planet is both scientific and anthropological. I suppose you could say we share the human trait of innate curiosity. Predominantly, we’re interested in the extreme diversity of your planet, including the diversity amongst humans themselves. As a species, you are remarkably divisive. Since my own people achieved a state of Perfect Unity millennia ago, we like to investivate species like yours as a means of studying how we used to be.
Roswell? No. But I think I know the guys who were. This is the first time my people have visited your planet, and I’ve only been here since early 2013. Hope this puts your mind at ease!
P.S., thank your deity for spell-checkers, or I never would have been able to spell Massachusetts.
~Cecile, from Marseilles, asks:
bonjour, Mr Spaceman. What is it like on your spaceship? How do you stay in orbit without being seen? Is it a cloaking device?
À bientôt! ~Cecile (Marseilles)
Yes, my ship possesses a cloaking device, but not a cloaking device as you might understand it. Instead of bending light around my ship, the cloak instead pushes it slightly out of phase with normal space-time. This allows me to maintain my position in orbit without being detected by your inferior technology.
As for what it is like… it’s hard to describe. It would be easier to show you, but of course, bringing conscious sentient beings aboard my ship is, as they would say in your country, le faux pas.
Lucky for you I have a camera!
The first thing you need to understand is that our spaceships are organic, and the organic cells of our ships respond to different forms of radiation in different ways. This is very useful, for reasons which are too complicated and secret for me to go into right now. Here are a couple of pictures of the walls of my spaceship. We use light to transmit data, hence the different colours.
I recently purchased one of your “soundbar” entertainment enhancers, for the cockpit of my ship. I was quite concerned that I wouldn’t be able to interface it with my ship’s media interface, but I must say, it’s working quite well. If you hear thunder tonight, don’t worry; it’s not a storm, it’s just me playing Deep Purple at ridiculously loud volumes. Sorry, plz don’t call space-police on me.
King, from Jamaica, ponders:
Hello Urban Spaceman!
Just wondering, if you’re not allowed to probe humans, how do you study us?
Your biggest fan,
Jamaica (feel free to visit!)
King, first of all, your name rocks. It really does. Second, I would love to visit you. I’ll make Jamaica my next stop!
Second, the answer to your question is probably classified, but I don’t think knowing will cause any harm. So! Simply put, I use covert monitoring devices to observe humans in their natural (or man-made) environments, and these devices send the data back to my ship via a phase-inverted transmitter. That basically means I can receive data even though my ship is cloaked, because the inverter compensates for the phase shift.
I sense another question being emailed, so I’ll answer it now. What do covert monitoring devices look like? Anything. Literally. Here are a couple of prototypes that I kept hold of ‘cos I liked them too much to put them on your dangerously explosive planet.
This mysterious cat statue is a monitoring device:
This raki bottle is a monitoring device (the raki inside it, however, is not):
I’ve even been able to create monitoring devices in the form of primitive animals, such as cats, dogs and birds. Thousands of these devices are scattered across the Earth, sending back terabytes of data each minute.
I love my job.
Kate, from ???, writes:
Hey, US! WHERE ARE YOU RIGHT NOW?!
Hey, KATE! I AM OVER YOUR HOUSE.
Haha, just kidding. I’m currently geosynchronous orbit over the Irish Sea. Going this way, that way, forwards and backwards. I suspect I’ll be in Jamaica by the time you’ve adjusted your telescope, though.
I hope this has been illuminating and informative (but not TOO informative). And thanks to all those who have expressed an interest in my work!
Until next time…
This is pretty off topic, but I rarely run into anyone who knows what Raki is. I feel now we have a special connection that can never be broken.
Fatma, there is no such thing as off topic as far as I’m concerned. I react to tangents like kittens react to balls of yarn: YAY LET’S PLAY!
Of all the anise flavoured alcoholic beverages I’ve tried, I most prefer Raki. I find it has more personality than Ouzo, but isn’t as sharp as Pernod. Being a for’ner, and given that the Turkish population in my area is pretty damn small, I am unfortunately limited to what Raki is available commercially (can’t even get it in local shops, I have to get it from the Amazon), but I would love to try home-brewed stuff some day. That said, I’m reliably informed by a Turkish friend that the brand I buy is pretty generic and overall acceptable. I give it six stars out of five.
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As a Turkish as well person, I can confirm that is correct : ). I prefer a different brand, but I only get from my relatives.
I tried Yager (sp?) once. It did NOT stack up at all.
Though, I wonder how hard it would be to homebrew? It probably require a lot of anise.
Phew, good to know I’m not committing some sort of heinous Raki crime! 😉
If you mean Jäger(meister) then I definitely wouldn’t put it into the same category as raki, ouzo, etc. I don’t mind Jäger on its own (or with ice) but the tendency here is to put it in Cola (yuk) or Red Bull/other caffeinated sugar drinks (blergh). It tastes more like cough medicine than anise.
Lucky you have your relatives to keep you supplied! 🙂
Dear Urban Spaceman,
I was shocked and appalled to see you breaking cover in such a public forum. I feel honor-bound to report such a flagrant flaunting of GalCenCode 82A/427/54.0012
Please transmit your personal designation, species designation, and homeworld coordinates immediately for relay to GalCenCommand.
Paul Baughman (Local Alias) Personal Designation: Wind-Rider Species Designation: XYZ1089sgjq396ji/108 (translator module: “wingdings”) HomeWorld (Absolute) Ï: 302.00536, Ï: -72.33809, Ï: 189942.989887
“Fantasy is escapist, and that is its glory. If a soldier is imprisoned by the enemy, don’t we consider it his duty to escape? … If we value the freedom of mind and soul, if we’re partisans of liberty, then it’s our plain duty to escape, and to take as many people with us as we can!”
Dear Local Alias
Thank you for your fanmail! Unfortunately, your attempt to discover my identity falls at the first hurdle; any intergalactic traveller knows to request proper security clearance before divulging their species designation and homeworld coordinates. So the humour is on you!
Also, I am reliably informed that Hollywood is currently lacking suitable actors to fill the Alien Visitor niche (I mean, they cast Keanu in The Day The Earth Stood Still remake — Keanu!). Now that I am Getting My Name Out There, I will no doubt be inundated with offers to star in all sorts of big blockbuster movies (I may also do television, for a negotiable fee).
Ephemeral riches will soon be mine, all MINE! Muahahahaha!
(I am also willing to accept the role of Bond Villain)
(PS, I love that house-plant—is it real?)
Always nice to learn a little bit more about you and your very honorable mission, TUS 🙂
Thanks, Human Female, it is a pleasure to have you following my scientific endeavours so closely 🙂
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